tiredness and inspirations

It's been a heck of a few weeks here at Orli-land. Not all of the reasons why are blogable, and not all of them are related to the fact that my parents are here (who, just because some people weren't clear about it - pre-approved the post I wrote about them. In fact, not only did they found it funny, but they informed me that I left out some of their more "colourful" behaviour. Yes, making fun of each other helps us survive the visits), and the truth is I am tired. Just tired. Sometimes it seems like there will never be an end to all the setbacks and I am tired of bashing my head against a brick wall trying to see who will break first. I am starting to feel like I am cracking. I know, I know - think positive and all that, but I think the only people who can think positive are the people who get enough sleep and chocolate, and that isn't me at the moment. Now, I know why I don't get enough sleep, but for the life of me I can't figure out why I don't get enough chocolate to be honest. Maybe because I'm afraid if I start I won't be able to stop eating it. As I am typing this I am envisioning myself eating one of those Lindt Lindor Sharing bags and not sharing. Last week Ocado sent me an email informing me that we have a one year anniversary (Ocado & I, not Hidai & I) and they are giving me a chocolate discount. How can you say no to that, right? So I bought this amazing Lindt box (yes I love Lindt. No, unfortunately they don't pay me to say that. But if any of them is reading this, I am willing to take my payment in the form of chocolate money), it was finished within 10 minutes. True, I wasn't the only one eating it, but you get my drift - chocolate. And lots of it.

Before 

After 10 minutes

I digress of course, because that is what I do - never one to follow a straight line, not even one that is inside my head.
I was talking about tiredness, because this is where I am at this moment, and most other moments if I'm honest. This morning I actually woke up even more tired than I was when I went to bed last night. It seems like the turbulence that is living inside my mind is becoming worse, or maybe it's just because I wrote the post about all my OCD tendencies and I am more aware of exactly how many I have nowadays, but life just seems too... Messy. On top of everything else, the todo list just gets longer and longer no matter how many items I cross off it, I don't even want to think what I will find when I check my laundry baskets tomorrow morning, I am behind on reading, commenting, writing, and all other blog related tasks, this is in fact the post that was supposed to be written on Tuesday for Wednesday, and before I started working on it, I found myself writing apologetic tweets, comments and mails because I missed mails, I haven't read posts, I haven't answered comments. I don't remember the last time I took a day to myself, the last time I read a book, the last time I sat down and just felt in peace.
Actually, I do know when that was, about nine years ago.

a very tired me

Nowadays I look around and all I see is things that need to be dealt with, responsibilities, and balls in the air. So many balls, and hand-eye coordination was never my strongest suit.
And it seems that the main two, also known as my kids, are threatening to be the first to fall.
Yon is sick and tired of being home. He is ready for school with a capital everything, and is super excited about wearing the uniform, going to "big school", having friends and routines, and more than anything, he doesn't want to be home alone with me anymore and is missing his Ron. I don't understand why the school has to do home-visits, and why those home-visits have to be in September and delay the start of the school year. But he starts Monday (at last), and this week we took him to see his new class so he will know the way, the playground, the toilets, etc. He almost cried when we told him it's time to go home. So most of the time these days he is cranky, hooked on electronic devices, and bored out of his mind. On top of his carrying his bed wherever he goes, he has now moved to a daily screening of The Lion King, including a daily crying session whenever Mufasa dies (please don't think I am heartless, but this is the same child who watches real animals kill each other on YouTube for fun), and a reenactment of the whole movie with his own animals.

Ron started school and had a complete and utter melt-down. It is not about the school, in the sense that there is something wrong, it is about the whole getting back to routine after a long holiday, the pre-teen existence, and the effort he puts into his school-life. Ron is one of those kids who has to be perfect at everything. I know it is trendy to say "perfectionist", everyone is these days, especially when it comes to job interviews (well, not everyone can be like me and say their worst quality is their dislike of authority figures and hearing criticism), but Ron is the real deal. Everything he does has to be perfect, he has to be perfect at all times, everything is a test and has a correct answer, and on the off chance he gives a wrong answer to anything and for any reason, he will beat himself up for hours, or days, or months. So he gives 150% of himself in school. He has to get every question right, volunteer for everything, play with everyone, etc. He HAS to be perfect.
And he is. But then he comes back home, and he can't hold it anymore. The first week of school, when they weren't really studying yet, he did all that and without having his routine to fallback on, was simply too much for him, and he spent his time at home arguing with everyone, fighting with Yon, talking back, and being generally grumpy.
So Monday I let my parents go pick him up from school, even though it is usually the only time you can get him to talk normally about what happened in school. Once we've reached the perimeters of the house he becomes this snarly tween who barks something about an iPad seconds before he closes himself in his personal-space corner under the bed (it's a bunk bed. He doesn't sit under a regular bed). And then it happened, that one tiny moment that reminds me that it is not all that bad, that I don't have to hide under my bed with my hands over my head. Ron got elected to represent his class, together with one other girl, in the school council. He got more votes than every other boy in class, with more than half the kids voting for him. He gave a speech why he should be elected, in which he said he is friendly sensible and confident, which he is. I know it might not seem like such an amazing achievement, but for him it was. He was so proud, he was very afraid they won't want him. And for me it was, because whenever something like this happens I first of all am thankful he has Hidai's popularity genes and not my unfriendly ones, and second of all think about a child who has moved 3 countries, who only got to this country last year, and who has more ambition and determination than many adults I know. I think of my little man, who goes for what he wants in life, without ever hesitating or giving up, and I am in awe of him every time. I didn't know he wanted to be on the school council before he went for it, but thinking back I really don't know why I didn't think he would want to. He didn't tell us he will try to get elected. He just went for what he wanted, and got it.
He is, every single time, my inspiration.